Today’s article comes to us from Blake Blankenbecler, a licensed therapist out of Charlotte, NC, specializing in friendships.
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May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and there’s one thing I would encourage you to prioritize that has a profound and positive effect on our mental health: spending quality time with friends. It sounds simple enough, but it comes with incredible benefits like a decreased risk of depression and anxiety, an increased sense of belonging, and enhanced quality of life. Yet research shows we are spending less time with our friends than ever before.
Today, I’m breaking down the importance of strong friendships, how to nurture them, and a few assumptions surrounding friendships that you should throw out the window!
To reap the benefits of strong friendships, you must actively participate.
Just like weeds can take over a garden if you aren’t consistently tending it, the same happens in friendships. You have to make time to plant, water, and prune your garden so it can grow and flourish. Your friendships need similar time, attention, and care.
Last year, Harvard released findings from an 85-year study called the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Over the course of the study, researchers explored what contributes to long-term health and happiness. The result? Having connected and nourishing relationships in your life is essential. Taking care of your friendships doesn’t just benefit your mental health; it enhances your overall health and quality of life.
So, what exactly does being purposeful in your friendships look like? Let’s explore three ways to actively care for them so you can enjoy healthier, more meaningful connections. Later, I’ll also share three common assumptions you might be making that can limit the richness of your friendships.
3 WAYS TO NURTURE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
There are plenty of ways to foster friendship, but here are a few ways to kickstart your “camaraderie campaign.”
#1: Schedule intentional time for “friend dates” on your calendar.
Friendships don’t happen by accident. The older and busier you get, the more intentional you must be to make them happen. Find a few minutes each week to assess your calendar. Consider the depth of your social battery, and reach out to a few friends to make concrete plans. Be careful not to make a habit of over-scheduling and canceling at the last minute, as doing this can decrease the chance of spending time together in the future.
#2: When you’re with your friend(s), focus on being present.
Did you know that just the presence of a phone on the table, even if you’re not using it, can decrease the feelings of connection for folks sitting with you? When you’ve finally made friendship time happen, consider going “off the grid” while you’re together so you can practice total presence.
This looks like being an active listener, asking curious questions, sharing what’s going on in your life, and being genuinely interested in what your friend is sharing. When you listen with your whole body, you tell your friends that they matter and belong.
#3: If something is bothering you, bring it up.
A mentor of mine always said, “Conflict dealt with correctly breeds intimacy.” If you grew up in a conflict-averse home, this can be a hard one to lean into. But being able to show up authentically and honestly is crucial to a healthy friendship.
If something difficult happens between you and a friend, knowing you can repair that hurt strengthens your bond and sense of connection. Allowing yourself to experience momentary discomfort for the sake of a friendship helps make you and your connection stronger.
4 FRIENDSHIP ASSUMPTIONS YOU SHOULD TOSS. NO, REALLY.
Believe it or not, there are plenty of myths where friendship is concerned. Here are a few pitfalls to avoid!
#1: Don’t let your romantic relationship be the only one that matters.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the relationship you need to focus on most is the one you have with your romantic partner. Not only does that hyper-focus put undue stress on a romantic relationship, but it can also create a sense of isolation and disconnect from your community.
It’s important to put your friendships in the spotlight, too. If you think of the people you lean on as your “buoys,” you might consider that it takes more than one buoy to help keep you afloat.
#2: Don’t assume that everyone already has “enough” friends.
I’m sure you’ve spent time on social media and found (perhaps in a matter of minutes) that you can go from feeling pretty good to falling into a spiral of comparison and even shame. This happens around friendships all the time. Pictures of laughing friend groups, luxurious trips, and beautiful events can spark feelings of jealousy and inadequacy.
If you find yourself in a “lean” friendship season, it can be all too easy to find evidence that everyone else has a more established friend group than you. But, as with most things on social media, the whole story is rarely seen. Most people are interested in and open to new friendships in their lives; it’s just something that isn’t discussed openly.
Allowing yourself to be open and honest about wanting to make new friends helps the people around you to know that you’re looking. More often than not, people love to help and can connect you with people you might get along with!
#3: Don’t convince yourself it has been too long, so you shouldn’t reach out.
This dilemma is far too common among friendships: A friend pops into your mind, and you intend to call them, but you don’t. Before you know it, six months have passed. So many friendships have ended prematurely because of this, and it doesn’t have to be the case!
Instead of dancing around how long it’s been since you’ve last spoken, name it as a way to reconnect with your friend. This could sound like, “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to call you. I wanted to reach out a few times, but then I got busy and distracted, and then I felt embarrassed and made up a story that you probably wouldn’t want to hear from me anyway.”
Usually, saying something like this opens up space for your friend to share why they haven’t reached out either. From there, you can communicate more openly and directly about your desire to stay connected.
#4: Don’t presume your friendships need to be equally deep and vulnerable.
It’s important to remember that some of the best friendships for your mental health are the ones in which you get to be silly and goof around. Sometimes, we overvalue vulnerability and undervalue just how good it is to be a goofball! A solid belly laugh with friends can take you out of the intensity of your feelings and help you find a sense of groundedness and hopefulness.
Let’s normalize the fact that not all friends will be people with whom you need or want to go deep with — it will help you enjoy and appreciate your more playful friendships.
As Esther Perel famously said, “The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.” By spending time prioritizing your friendships, nurturing them, and even bidding farewell to those no longer serving your mental health, you are offering yourself some much-needed TLC.
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